How Do You Deal With a Parent Not Loving You?

Question by myira_shine: How do you deal with a parent not loving you?
Long story short: my father cheated on my mother, and has yet to admit it, even when the evidence is clear. It’s been months now (since August) and he’s only proved himself to be a more cruel and awful subhuman than he was the day before. Apart from his pathological lying (which ranges from things like the affair to lying about paying the mortgage to hiding paper towels around the house and lying when asked point-blank if he hid them), he has done countless other things to our family. But specifically with regard to me, he has:
– lied to me: straight to my face, after repeated questioning, about almost everything
– made underhanded comments insinuating I’m overweight or fat (I’m 5’8″, 132), like “you shouldn’t be eating” or “no really, what size are your sweatpants? They can’t be small.”
– let the air out of the tire of the only car I use to get to school when we wouldn’t let him inside the house after he repeatedly and hurtfully denied his affair (his reasoning? “To get your attention to let me inside the house”)
– not had a conversation with me about anything (not a “how’s school?” “how was your day?” “drive safely to school”) and only asks me when I bring it up crying that he hasn’t bothered to care
– not said one kind thing to me in over a year now, and when asked about it he just shrugs and says he doesn’t know why he hasn’t
– when I asked how he planned to be a better father, he replied “give me a couple of days to think about it” …this was a month and a half ago
– did not wish me “happy birthday” on my 21st and did not once call me or contact me while I was away on a birthday trip (his reasoning? I didn’t wish him a “happy birthday”), not even to ask if I was okay or if I was enjoying myself
– told me over the phone “Listen, you are not as important as I am. And that is a fact. That is a fact.” (when asked about that hurtful statement minutes later, he said “what I meant to say was that you are not as important as me and I am not as important as you)

He has done so many other things – big to small. But I can’t believe that the same man I’m in so many pictures with could treat me the way he does now. I’m convinced he has narcissistic personality disorder so maybe he’s incapable of truly loving me. But his own daughter? It’s hurtful, but I really want to move forward. It’s hard though when you can’t even have a normal conversation with someone without feeling rejected. I’m 21 and I don’t want to grow up hating this person for all my life. But how do I deal with him not loving me?

Best answer:

Answer by Patricia
Your father is angry and in that, he can’t treat anyone else with regard because he doesn’t like himself. He has no idea what compassion and kindness are.

I had a father much like yours and it was frustrating for me as i was growing up….. it wasn’t fun to be called names, put down and offered no emotional support. I understand.

It’s NOT your fault and it’s NOT you… it’s your father who is the problem.

I accepted my father at face value and realized he did not have the capacity to love anyone else, because he didn’t even LIKE himself. It’s not possiblle, hon.

Maybe you could find some help on the internet, starting with some self-improvement. Focusing you on and your feelings about YOU is important. Perhaps do a search on Loving Yourself and also for Self-compassion and really practice these things. Gratitude is another one. Having these three things in your life will help you to see that your happiness depends upon YOU.

Yes we want our fathers to love us. Unfortunately yours and mine don’t have a clue. We can’t change them, but we can depend upon those in our lives who DO love and support us…. and also on ourselves.

You are courageous, you can work toward positive things for yourself.

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